I was watching a video of a woman saying she’s happy to use made-up pronouns (like starburst, lorax and shimmer) because she wants to validate the feelings of others.
And it reminded me of an episode of House.
A patient in a psych ward thinks he’s a superhero. The doctors are all “minions of the villains” who have somehow “neutralised his superpowers”.
The people in his life – medical professionals or otherwise – tell him he’s wrong, he’s crazy and he needs help.
House, though, decides to indulge him.
He decides to validate his feelings.
It’s a heart-warming episode, seeing this guy – who, let’s face it, must be desperate to feel significant if he thinks he’s a superhero – enjoying himself for once.
Until this patient tries to fly from a rooftop.
He survives the fall, but he’s badly injured.
Tolerance seems like a nice ideal. Letting people be free to live their truths sure makes the world more interesting. And, to the naïve, it sounds like a Christian virtue.
If that’s how you feel, the no thanks.
If I believe something stupid, wrong, dangerous or absurd, then please – please – don’t validate me. You’re not doing anyone a kindness by smiling, nodding and pretending it’s all good.
If someone is wrong, then either you can push back against them or reality will.
Reality won’t often be as gentle as you could be.
Don’t validate me. Don’t validate anyone. Sure, it’s good to keep an open mind. It’s good to remember that you don’t know what’s best for everyone and maybe they’re right to speak their truth.
But there’s a reason why honesty is the real Christian virtue. Don’t lie to others and don’t let them lie to themselves. If they can think they can fly, you’re only hurting everyone by validating them.
A firm word is the greatest kindness.
Of course, there’s a difference between being firm and being a jerk.
Piss folks off and they won’t listen to you. Unless you can prove you understand them, that’ll be all the excuse they need to ignore you.
A great way to learn what to say and how to say it is to read, reread and apply the lessons from Your Story Isn’t About You.
It won’t teach you that directly.
But you’ll learn to see things as others see them. From there, you’ll better get what they believe and why.
This could help you save someone you love from themselves.
So grab it here: