A haggard-looking NASA representative stands in front of a crowd of journalists. Her hair is wild, her clothes are stained and her eye keeps twitching.
NASA Rep: And so we… uh… we’ve discovered that Jupiter’s pronouns are she/her, while all of its… I mean, her moons use they/them pronouns.
Excited murmurs from the audience.
NASA Rep: Saturn, of course, is xe/xim. And the moons alternate between he/him and she/they pronouns, based on distance.
Journalist: Fascinating – I can’t wait until the new astronomy textbooks get published. People need to know this, especially those bigots who say planets don’t need pronouns!
Angry murmurs.
Journalist: Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. Keep telling us about the other planets.
NASA Rep: You… want to learn the pronouns…? Of the… other planets?
Excited murmuring.
The NASA Rep’s twitching gets worse.
NASA Rep: Okay, i-it’s… I… well, the trick to remember… I…
Journalist: … Scientist of unspecified gender, are you alright?
The NASA Rep’s face contorts into a tortured grimace.
NASA Rep: Oh my <censored> <censored> <censored>, what on earth is wrong with you people? This was a joke! All of it! None of this pronoun stuff is real! Of course sex is determined by biology. I mean… genetics and hormones and…!
Audience is stunned into silence as the NASA Rep makes a noise like a boiling kettle.
NASA Rep: I thought for sure you’d get the joke when “gender studies experts” started talking about trans pets. Trans pets, are you <censored> <censored>? Are you stupid? We had to keep pushing the boundaries further and further – each time, I thought for sure we’d push it too far. Only you all went along with it! Based on… what?
Stunned muttering. The journalist speaking clears their throat.
Journalist: Uh… are you saying NASA’s position on pronouns is -?
NASA Rep: I don’t work for NASA, you twice-warmed over bucket of seal vomit. I only said that so you’d listen to me about the pronouns of the planets. Pronouns of the planets! What does that even mean?! Why are you all listening to this obvious garbage?!
Journalist: I don’t understand. Why are you saying the pronoun issue is a joke, when it’s the most pressing scientific issue of our age?
Journalist 2: Except the climate crisis.
Journalist: Obviously.
NASA Rep: Scientific…? The science is, and always has been, that there are only two –
<SIGNAL LOST. Search engines erasing all references to planetgate in 3… 2… 1…>
In my weaker moments, I fantasise about the woke admitting this was a joke that got out of hand.
But it won’t happen. It’s not a joke – it’s a real ideology, based on the (obviously wrong) hierarchy of oppression that dominates the minds of the woke.
They believe this stuff.
And, unless it collapses under its own madness, they’ll start assigning pronouns to the planets. And then acting like you’re the idiot for not following along.
That’s why you need to fight them with all you have.
Starting here: